Top 50 Funny Facebook Status Update Ideas

1. I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re all right now. 
2. I said “no” to drugs, but they simply wouldn’t listen. 
3. My job is definitely secure. No one else wants it. 
4. Sometimes I wish life had subtitles (and in a big font)! 
5. I’m cle’a[ni.ng m'y' ke]yb36oa;rd. 
6. Peter reminds you to not play stupid with me! I’m better at it. 
7. Don’t steal, don’t lie, don’t cheat, don’t sell drugs. The government hates competition! 
8. X has decided to start having a balanced diet for a change – a beer in each hand! 
9. X says how comes we live in a world where a pizza arrives before the police?
10.  is wondering if he is too old to run away from home? 
11. just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards 
12. What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing.. 
13. slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food. 
14. wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime. 
15. X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
16.  ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95 
17. Dear Santa, let me explain… I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover. 
18. Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate. Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions. 
19. ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶ 
20. if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP 
21. Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart. 
22. I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
23.  People who write diet books live off the fat of the land. 
24. Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube. 
25. Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
26.  Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever.. 
27. So many stupid people, and so few asteroids. 
28. X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain. 
29. Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when. 
30. You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take. 
31. Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
32.  I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time. 
33. Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged. 
34. I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh? 
35. X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
36.  I’m not a racer….But i can fly. 
37. press the star below and watch it glow
38.  ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status. 
39. I think my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet. 
40. X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last. 
41. X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free. 
42. ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ 
43. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips. 
44. ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ 
45. X is Loading ████████████ 99% 
46. Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF? X
47.  is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((> 
48. X remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
49. Some things man was never meant to know. For everything else, there's Google.
50. I'm so poor I can't even pay attention. ~ Ron Kittle