100+ Hilarious Funny Facebook Status Updates Ideas!

1. decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
2. One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
3. When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
4. I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
5. sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
6. X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
7. X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
8. X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
9. What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
10. slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
11. wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
12. X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
13. People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
14. Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
15. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
16. WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
17. ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
18. Dear Santa, let me explain…
19. I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
20. My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
21. If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
22. Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
23. Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
24. Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
25. Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
26. ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
27. _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
28. if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
29. scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
30. ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
31. Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
32. The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
33. Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
34. i’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
35. Cut here —————–✄———————-
36. Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
37. I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
38. People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
39. Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
40. Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
41. Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
42. Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..
43. So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
44. X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
45. Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
46. You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
47. Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
48. I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
49. Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
50. I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
51. X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
52. Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
53. what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
54. I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
55. press the star below and watch it glow
56. ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
57. I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
58. Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
59. X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
60. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
61. I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
62. X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
63. X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
64. ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
65. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
66. oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
67. wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
68. X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
69. Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
70. If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
71. eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
72. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
73. a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
74. ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
75. All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
76. too cool for school.
77. trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
78. the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
79. –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
80. definitely not watching what not to wear.
81. forcing my dog to learn how to google.
82. kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
83. Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
84. X is Loading ████████████ 99%
85. Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
86. U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
87. X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
88. Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
89. I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
90. In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
91. X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
92. never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
93. a day late and a dollar short.
94. Insert coin to view my status message.
95. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
96. We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go .
97. happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
98. seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
99. remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
100. > $20 in my bank acct. Drinks on you home.